Everyone has their own personal reason to achieve a goal but it's not often that we hear why. To me, this is the most inspiring part of someone's story. It can help us to see that anything can be possible regardless of what you have been through. If we make it personal, others can relate to it and hopefully see the light at the end of the tunnel. Also, I aim to breakdown the stigma behind Mental Heal Illnesses by sharing my story.
My experience began during the early stages of pregnancy in December 2014. I started showing signs of anxiety and as I have a history of depression and anxiety I knew that I had to get some support. After Oliver was born it got a lot worse, it is common for women to get a high level of anxiety during the first month, but this was extending for longer than that.
Our instinct is to protect our babies when they are born, but for me, this turned into obsessive worrying about Oliver's safety. I saw dangers in everything around me and my mind would be filled with terrifying images everywhere. The images ranged from not being able to walk down the stairs without fears of dropping him, to irrational thoughts that the plane going overhead will plummet to the ground and kill us.
Everyday activities would leave me feeling frightened and overly cautious. I couldn't walk along a road without holding onto the pram with a firm grip and walking on a safer side of the road or avoiding it altogether, images would intrude my mind and I would see us being ploughed down. When I bathed Oliver, I would be terrified that he would go under and drown. During the night, I would wake in absolute fear and be convinced that when I check him he would be grey because he stopped breathing. Triple checking of appliances, locks and the gas hobs was a daily ritual.
I had no problems bonding with Oliver, it was love at first sight. I was just in a constant state of fear and my body was full of adrenaline. I felt that every day was an effort to survive, what felt like, an inevitable terrifying end to my baby's life. Just writing that sentence still makes me feel so raw with emotion, it was so real!
The help I received was incredible, I contacted my health visitor and my local mental health team at Compass House, who I had seen during my pregnancy. The support from my family was great, although I don't think everyone understood what it was I was going through and I don't blame people for feeling that way. This, as well as my fear for Oliver's safety, lead to me avoiding social situations and family occasions. I developed social anxiety and very low self-esteem.
I received cognitive behavioural therapy which was incredible, it helped me to work through my irrational fears. It was hard, as part of my therapy involved me talking through the intrusive images out loud which always made me feel so sick as the image always ended with me losing Oliver. Reliving that each time was horrific but it worked, I learnt that my thoughts were not real and they are extremely unlikely to happen. Gradually, day by day, they reduced, I do still get intrusive images but now I can immediately dismiss them as being ridiculous.
I am always happy to talk about mental health and wellbeing, it is so important to be open about it. I still feel there is a need to breakdown the stigma behind it, which is why I became a mental health ambassador. I sense that people are scared to talk as they are worried about being 'labelled' as a result. A mental health illness is as real as any other illness that you can see and isn't who you are.
I found that exercise has improved all aspects of my mental health. It keeps anxiety at bay, I have improved self-esteem and running with a running group has improved my social anxiety. I became a run leader through Women on the Run, a Mental Health Ambassador for England Athletics, an ambassador for This Girl Can and Devon Girls Can campaign through Active Devon. I now feel like I can do anything and I will continue to challenge myself and keep improving my mental wellbeing.
My experience began during the early stages of pregnancy in December 2014. I started showing signs of anxiety and as I have a history of depression and anxiety I knew that I had to get some support. After Oliver was born it got a lot worse, it is common for women to get a high level of anxiety during the first month, but this was extending for longer than that.
Our instinct is to protect our babies when they are born, but for me, this turned into obsessive worrying about Oliver's safety. I saw dangers in everything around me and my mind would be filled with terrifying images everywhere. The images ranged from not being able to walk down the stairs without fears of dropping him, to irrational thoughts that the plane going overhead will plummet to the ground and kill us.
Everyday activities would leave me feeling frightened and overly cautious. I couldn't walk along a road without holding onto the pram with a firm grip and walking on a safer side of the road or avoiding it altogether, images would intrude my mind and I would see us being ploughed down. When I bathed Oliver, I would be terrified that he would go under and drown. During the night, I would wake in absolute fear and be convinced that when I check him he would be grey because he stopped breathing. Triple checking of appliances, locks and the gas hobs was a daily ritual.
I had no problems bonding with Oliver, it was love at first sight. I was just in a constant state of fear and my body was full of adrenaline. I felt that every day was an effort to survive, what felt like, an inevitable terrifying end to my baby's life. Just writing that sentence still makes me feel so raw with emotion, it was so real!
The help I received was incredible, I contacted my health visitor and my local mental health team at Compass House, who I had seen during my pregnancy. The support from my family was great, although I don't think everyone understood what it was I was going through and I don't blame people for feeling that way. This, as well as my fear for Oliver's safety, lead to me avoiding social situations and family occasions. I developed social anxiety and very low self-esteem.
I received cognitive behavioural therapy which was incredible, it helped me to work through my irrational fears. It was hard, as part of my therapy involved me talking through the intrusive images out loud which always made me feel so sick as the image always ended with me losing Oliver. Reliving that each time was horrific but it worked, I learnt that my thoughts were not real and they are extremely unlikely to happen. Gradually, day by day, they reduced, I do still get intrusive images but now I can immediately dismiss them as being ridiculous.
I am always happy to talk about mental health and wellbeing, it is so important to be open about it. I still feel there is a need to breakdown the stigma behind it, which is why I became a mental health ambassador. I sense that people are scared to talk as they are worried about being 'labelled' as a result. A mental health illness is as real as any other illness that you can see and isn't who you are.
I found that exercise has improved all aspects of my mental health. It keeps anxiety at bay, I have improved self-esteem and running with a running group has improved my social anxiety. I became a run leader through Women on the Run, a Mental Health Ambassador for England Athletics, an ambassador for This Girl Can and Devon Girls Can campaign through Active Devon. I now feel like I can do anything and I will continue to challenge myself and keep improving my mental wellbeing.